Sidestory-2 “Congress shall make no law restricting freedom of speech.”

The following email was received this morning from Susan who lives in Kramden, Nebraska in response to my invitation yesterday.

Hi O.T.

Love the story idea—and love the website though I don’t really understand why you never have any stories or comments or fake letters from or about Nebraska.

My 12 year old son occasionally looks at the pictures and says they’re always dumb and has twice now said he hopes your computer bursts into flames. I don’t wish anything like that but I do sometimes think it might be a good idea if you talked to a psychiatrist about this problem you seem to have with Nebraska. Good mental health treatment isn’t free of course—but it would be money well spent.

Nebraska is a wonderful state—shoot—it’s the best state in the union except maybe for Canada.

I know, I know—I’m jumping the gun. I’m well aware they haven’t been granted statehood yet. It has to go through congress I know—Senate hearings and all that. And my husband tells me Canada would have to be a territory first for at least a few years before being admitted to the club. They’d have to come up with a whole new flag I guess but—you know—they have a nice flag now—that cool maple leaf and all. They could just put a little scroll under it that says “Oh Canada” or maybe the number “51” could be on there—or the whole flag could be in the shape of a Moose.

As everybody knows, we get all our moose from Canada. My son says his teacher told him Canada has a monopoly on moose—they control the entire supply—and that’s illegal—in violation of existing anti-trust laws.

I don’t know about that—I’m not a lawyer. I do know that the moose immigrate legally into this country. I heard they get full, legal wildlife immigration status and a special green tag that’s clipped onto their ears. So Moose immigration per se’ isn’t a problem as far as I’m concerned—they are here legally.

But what I see going on in the news is a problem. Across the whole political spectrum of the media—from far left to far right—the media are focusing all the country’s attention on the Hispanic immigration issue—arguing, debating various solutions.

And I know exactly why.

They want to divert attention away from another, much more dangerous problem. It’s all those Antarcticans who are sneaking into this country. Call it conspiracy theory—whatever you like—I don’t care—just don’t come crying to me when the national symbol changes from the Eagle to the Penguin and Polar Bears are getting Social Security checks.

I’ve gotten side-tracked.

I forget why I started writing this email—oh yeah—you have this idea that Nebraska isn’t worth your time or thought or is undeserving of being a story setting. You’ve probably been brain-washed into thinking we’re anti-moose immigration or anti-Canadian statehood or some other subversive ideas so far to the left you’ve probably hooked up with the extreme right.

Please don’t take this the wrong way—but I’ve been wondering if you might not have fallen under the influence of Montana people.

Those Montana people—they’re all so smug. And yeah—I know they have spies monitoring all my communication—including this email—“YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW YOU’RE READING THIS—DON’T KID YOURSELF MONTY!! (That’s what we call them O. T.—“Montys.”)

They think us Nebraskans don’t know what’s going on but we see it. We know exactly what they’re doing—sneaking across the border at night and trying to get all our moose to come over to their side. I mean—grant you—they’re good—they’re pretty smart.

BUT WE’RE SMARTER THAN YOU GUYS, MONTY!

You don’t think we’re not on to you? You think we’re dumb—or crazy. We know you’re talking about us—plotting against us—calling us paranoid behind our back.

Ha! the joke’s on you. Our special Ops teams have been carrying out counter-insurgency missions for years. They’re experts at blending in—dressing, acting, speaking just like you guys. Mark my words—we’re on to you. We know where you’re keeping all the moose.

And don’t think we don’t know about the saboteurs doing all that stuff to erode the fabric of everyday life—harassing the Nebraska moose with wildlife profiling—registering polar bears to vote. It’s enough to mess anybody up—maybe even good people like O. T.

So I guess that brings me full circle O. T.

Some damage has been done to you but nothing serious I’m sure. So please—I know what I’m talking about. Get some good mental health treatment—I think it’s called de-programming. If not for yourself—do it for your country and all the Nebraskans that care about you.

It’ll be the best investment you ever made.

Love, Susan

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